I actually am offended that I wasn't invited to your guys' birthday at the hotel &I knew about it the whole time, but none of you bothered to tell me. I was even at the hotel the same night. &I personally invited all of you to mine that was at the same place in September. THANKS.
My family hates me.

Whatever. Fuck me.

I pray to God I don't get kicked out of school even though it is my fault.
I always manage to get out of messes like these, it's a gift of mine. Like when I was on the brink of not graduating from high school without going to Summer school. Shitttttt, I almost died.
I'm not happy when I'm at home &I can't concentrate at school because my troubles from home follow me, so, I try to avoid places I'm miserable in.
I mean, can you blame me? I have to live with a scary man who just makes me want to die everytime he says something to me, even when it's for my own good, he makes it sound like death is coming to me. Everytime he says something to me, I always feel like he's going to hit me like he did before, but, I think he doesn't as much anymore because I'm 'Of-Age' &I can file assault charges, perhaps. He talks shit saying he isn't scared of nobody though. Whatever, I just want him out of my hair. Thinking about him makes me feel even worse.
I'm still so fucking scared that I'm going to get kicked out, if I do, it's a sure sign that I must die.
If I can't go to school, I obviously can't do anything else in life. I don't want to go to community college because I'll still feel like a failure. I hate myself so much.

It hurts so bad.
I'm going to be alone when I die.
I'm already alone.

It kills me knowing my happiness isn't real.
I'll never be happy again &I don't want to listen to anyone else cause nothing helps.
Nothing works.

I don't see where I fit in.
I'm not seeing the purpose of my existence when I'm isolated, when I don't know what it feels like to be deeply cared about even though my mom does, I can't feel any good feelings.

Muck.

I want to destroy.
I'm having hard time keeping myself from breaking everything &hitting everything I see, like x10 a child's temper tantrum.

Death.

My heart can ache even when I have no lover.
I think this is worse.

I haven't had a check up since I was in 8th grade. So, it's been approximately 5 years.

I don't want to see a doctor, but, maybe there's something wrong with me?
I don't want to know. I feel better that way, because it doesn't really matter, so, whatev.
No one would visit me in the hospital anyway.

Crying is only a sign of weakness if I do it.
I don't see how it makes you stronger. I feel stronger when I hold it in.
I wanted to cry so bad today looking at all the Christmas things today because of a little boy with cancer who probably won't make it to Christmas, so, he wishes for the Best Christmas Ever. I want to send him a card, so, hopefully, I can do that this weekend.
He's a five year old saying, "I'm going to be an angel". That kills me.

I have no money to my name, but the 20 dollar bill under my mattress that my mom gave me.
I really need a job now more than ever because my dad spent all our money &we're really hard up, so we have to get a loan or something just so my mom could pay for my dad's ticket to make him leave us alone forever because he's just not helping at all. It's not working out.
He told my mom that it was her fault that I have negative thoughts &that I'm 'depressed'

What a load of bullshit.
That is probably the biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life.
What the fuck?

There is no peace in this house because everyday there is yelling.
We couldn't even go out last night without yelling.
I can't bring myself up to do things sometimes because he just makes me feel so miserable.
I have unspeakable &unforgivable thoughts.

He put a damper on my day because he called by my door &I had no idea what he said, but, apparently I said "Yes" to it, &he doesn't know I answer people in my sleep &he calls me over however many more minutes later &starts giving me this talk about how he feels sorry for my mom that she has to give me things &how I don't care &how he's drinking even though the doctor told him not to. Basically brain washing me to think I'm an awful person.

Well, maybe I am.

I fucking hate him.
Every time I think about whatever he's done to me I just wanna yell &fucking just tear everything &break shit &more. Lots more. I want to make it look like a tornado just went through a house.
I can't stop going back to Summer the night of my cousin's wedding where I was completely humiliated by him in front of my immediate relatives. I had the shit beat out of me in a hotel room by a man who had too much to drink. I had blood on my bridesmaid gown. Just thinking about that night just makes my eyes water. &Then I get flashbacks from when I was younger like being dragged down the stairs &a woman was trying to stop it, I don't know who it was. Threatening to cut off my legs, tying my ankles with rope &hanging me upside down, that one I will NEVER forget.
My dad has a funny way of showing that he loves me.
I hope I die before he does.

I wanna cry now.
lol why
Because.
I want to be a kid again
&Sit infront of the tv
&Watch these cartoons
same
&Not care about things I care about now.

Just waiting for some peace to come.



I'm tired of doing &living the same thing over &over.
I'm tired of being non-existent for the most part.
I'm tired of always having to be the one to initiate things.
I'm tired of life.
I'm tired of not being important enough or well-liked enough.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of feeling like this.

But, I know it'll never stop.

I saw a man yesterday for the first time in my life
&I knew I loved him. Not in love. I loved him.
I could feel what he was feeling.

Basically feeling like a zombie.
I'm dead, but, I'm still walking, &my heart doesn't beat.

I basically don't believe in love anymore.
Or, I don't believe I can feel love or maybe even love.
I'm not sure. It's very unreal.

I'm turning into a very bitter person, &I guess I'm okay with it.
Probably why nobody really likes me anymore.
I'm okay with being like this. It's my place in life.
It's how I'm meant to be.

I have nothing to do now but complain &self-loathe
I have nothing to look forward to in life anymre.
I have nothing to live for.

It's like I'm a fly caught on fly paper. I can't move.
That's it.

I'm tired.

I'm basically sitting here bored out of my mind at the Canton Public Library.
I feel nasty that I'm barefoot &I have my feet up on this table, but, whatever.
I don't care anymore. About anything.

I don't know what to expect anymore. My head hurts so much. I'm bound to become a failure, &I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm going to disappoint my mom, but, I don't know. I just want to break down &cry randomly.
It's strange how time goes by so quickly.
About one year ago, it happened. It doesn't seem so long ago. I guess 1 year isn't that long ago, but, it seems like it to me, in a sense. I never improved after that. I'm still the same as I was then.
Nothing got better.

Random thoughts going through my head.
I can't believe he hit me infront of an 8 year old child.
Children aren't supposed to see those things.
I felt so terrible that she had to be escorted out of the room because of me.
I'm so embarassed.

I'll never have what I want.
This will always be the same.

I'm tired.

No matter what, there will always be a part of me that wants to die,
whether it's a lot or somewhat, depending on the day.

I am such filth &a waste of space.

I wonder what my parents would say/think if they read all my entries, or just could read my mind all the time.

It obviously would not be good.

I can't deal with the real world anymore, &that's the only thing that's there. I have no other options.
I never come to school. It's very irresponsible for not going, but, I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I'll ever be. Or maybe, I'm just really fucking lazy. I'm probably just making up a bunch of dumb excuses. I can't deal with anything anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.

I have nothing to look forward to, I have nothing to live for.
It's like when you're playing Solitaire on your computer &you can't make any more moves. That's what it feels like.
I kind of just feel like a lost soul, &I am.
I can't accept the fact that in life you have to do unpleasant things. All I want is pleasure. It's like I'm a hedonist. People shouldn't have to be unhappy. That's what I believe. But, it's ironic, because, most of the time I'm basically just unhappy. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just wanna lay in a grassy field &just wait for my body to decompose.

It's like I'm untouchable. I can't feel anyone touching me.
You don't love me. That's just a stupid word. Stop it. I don't want to be loved.
But, I do. But, I don't.
I want to punch people in the face.
The world makes me sick to my stomach &gives me a never ending headache.

How can someone love? Always love? I don't understand.

I've got a feeling
I think I'm going to die soon.

I never go to school anymore. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction &guilt.
I don't really care anymore. I can't really make good of myself. I can't do much.
I don't know.

I don't know who you were, but, when you died, I left you a note from where you took your life.
I'd like to know you. I'd like to know if you follow me, though you don't know me. But, you don't have to know me to follow me. You could figure out who I am just by following me. I wonder if you read that note I left you. I don't know if it means anything. I wish I could have known you.

I don't know what you look like. I don't even know your name. I don't even know how to find out that information.
All I know is we have so much in common. We feel exactly the same, even though it may be for different reasons.

We feel the same.

I want to hold your hand. &Maybe if we held hands, or hugged, or knew each other's thoughts, we could seek comfort within each other. We know what a lot of the world doesn't know. People think they know what we feel or think. Our logic. They don't. It's no help.

My dog just stared off into space. I believe he was looking at you. I can feel your spiritual presence now that I speak of you. I don't know your name. I'll say your name is Jeff. That's what I feel your name is like. I have a feeling you were a man. I could be wrong, so, sorry if I am.

Jeff, I'm sorry you feel this way too. I don't know why it has to be us. I wish I could've helped you. People say that want to help me, but, I don't believe them. I don't believe what anyone says to me, Jeff. I want to cry, Jeff. I don't know why. I hope your family has been doing okay since you've been gone. You're missed. I can tell by the things people have left you on the side of the road.

Loneliness seems to be the only one I feel. Rejection. Failure. Hopelessness. I don't know what to do. I hate medicine. It doesn't work. I stopped taking it. I lied to my mom that I feel better without it. I'm trying to make myself believe. I don't know. I feel like I'm gonna pull off another stunt. I don't want to live anymore, Jeff. Just like you. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be scared when I wake up everyday, wondering what my future will be like. I have nobody that understands me, I can't feel anyone's love. Nobody loves me. Nothing would be so different if I was gone. I don't make a difference. I'm just going to fail. I don't know why I was put here on Earth. I know there isn't any specific reason because we're all here to procreate, but, I feel that I will serve no purpose to society other than waste. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be around any longer. I don't have anyone. Sorry to bother you.

I don't know if I'm unconsciously making this up, but if I concentrate I can feel a presence of spirits.
I was at church (ew), &I didn't feel much, &I was surprised.

I'm so different from my parents.
They're conservative.
&I'm totally liberal.
How is that the outcome?

I'm so glad I'm liberal.
I don't like being not loose.
I like to do whatever. Whatever makes me happy.

I got two pairs of shoes today.
I'm pleased. They're very cute.

I basically spend the majority of the weekend with Julia.
I'm glad we're hanging out again. I have fun with her &shit.
I barfed if the woods a little bit while she was sitting next to me &it was funny &she didn't react like I would. I'd automatically say, "Ewww", but we laughed it off. I have to admit, it was pretty funny.
She's awesome-o.

Sunday, I was upset, &so I had like a gazillion of my anti-depressants &mood stabilizers.
I got this really bad high from it. I felt like total shit.
&Then I took some my mom gave me earlier &I couldn't handle it, so I threw up &it was the worst thing ever. Well, not really, but, I felt really nauseous. I kept throwing up bile, it was nasty as fuck.
I just took some an hour ago, &I didn't think I could stomach it, but, I did.
I can still feel it in my throat. The mood stabilizer is the size of a dime or penny. So, it's huge.
I wanna throw up again.

It's raining right now. I can hear the pitter patter on my window.
I love the rain so much. I love just being in it, getting soaked, as long as I'm not wearing nice clothes, but I think even then, I would anyway.
Rain is such a strange phenomena.
Science is interesting, sometimes, but I'd rather not think of everything in scientific terms. I just want to absorb the beauty in everything. Nothing complicated in between like formulas &thesis's.
I'm glad I know a brief section of things, but, it wouldn't kill me if I didn't know every single detail.
The only science I actually really love is astronomy. I'm not sure why, but, I love it. I love looking at the pictures of supernovas &stuff.
My mind cannot wrap around the idea that the universe is a huge place, that it goes on perhaps forever. I wonder what the end of the universe looks like, or if there's even on. What would be outside our universe? Is there something bigger than outer space? Maybe we're a marble under someone's bed in a different dimension. We're so tiny, &I never realize it until I actually think about it.
The fact that we don't know makes us imagine, become creative &have an infinite amount of ideas. I love that.

I want someone to write a GOOD song about me, or that was inspired by me.
I love 'A Brand New Colony' by the Postal Service. I'd squeal if someone wrote a song like that about me.

I wonder how you know that you're madly in love with someone.
That seems impossible. I don't think I can produce an extreme amount of feelings like that.

I sulk too much.

I hate waking up early.
But, I love witnessing the rebirth of everything.
Everything seems so refreshed.
Even the cars going by.
Everything is new.
A sunrise &a sunset are two totally different things.
When the sun sets, it's just the end.
Don't get me wrong, I love sunsets, probably more than sunrises.
But, something about sunrises are so great.
When the golden light touches everything, it's just so great.
I don't even know how to describe it, it's just like feeling relief but then, it grabs you.
I even love twilight. It's such a great time of the day. I get this powerful feeling from it.
What I love about it, is it's like a sedative, it's so calm &relaxing, &beautiful.
I wish I could be twilight. I'd feel so invincible.

What must I write, well this is the life.
A life that everyone wants to live.

I'm so tired, but, I must stay awake.

I don't want to try anymore.
I don't get much out of anything I do.
I try to hard to win people over &to get people to like me even more,
but, I'm starting to think that people only 'like' me for material reasons.
Because I do things for them.

Is there anyone true out there?
Am I even true?
I'm not sure. I can't be my own judge.
That would just be unfair.

I'm sitting here starving, refusing to sleep &listening to background music from popular pop songs.
I don't know. I'm just strange. I can get stranger.
I don't like taking happy pillz &mood stablizers.
I have cool Lady Gaga nails. Black with white French tips.

Being 18 isn't as cool as it sounds.
Getting older isn't as cool as you thought it was when you were a kid.
I'd like to stay like 21 or 25 forever or something. That'd be nice.

I'd like to own a key tar. For shits.

Windsor. Fun.
Executive Suite. Fun.
Caesar's Windsor is my getaway ISH.

Listening to Indian people sing is what I love.
Not sure why.

I need to go on a cleanse.
Not just to weight or whatever.
I want to feel clean. I can feel all the toxins in my body. It's pretty gross.

Friday before we left for Canada I had another embarrassing father moment.
I was talking to my cousin Chelsey on video iChat.
My dad started yelling at me right there &she heard the whole thing.
She knows how lame my dad can be, but still, it was quite embarrassing.
I envy the fact that her dad isn't around anymore.
By not around anymore, I don't mean passed away.
Her dad left her &her two sisters when they were younger after their parents got divorced. I guess he didn't wanna pay for child support or something &somehow he got away with it.
She has the freedom I wish I had. She has fun in life &is still a good student.
Why couldn't/can't I ever have that?
Is that too hard to ask for?
I'm not asking for precious stones. I'm asking for a non-material thing.

Still feel disoriented all the time.
I didn't go to school for 2 days because I don't have a parking pass &I don't wanna pay more fines.

I'm waiting to become satisfied.
I'm waiting for this to be my supposed great year, according to my year horoscope &the psychic woman.
There's only one thing in the way of that.

I want to stop being disappointed.
I want to always have good luck, good news, good things, good karma.
I want the world to be a better place.

Autumn is approaching, which makes me happy.
Because, I love hoodie weather. Not too cold ¬ too hot.
I feel more at peace when it's Autumn time.
I'd like to go to the apple orchard. I don't even buy the apples. I just like the atmosphere, the animals, the cider &the donuts.
The breeze is probably one of the best things.
Well, in any season.
Cool, inviting breeze.

FYI, cute/attractive men are my weakness.


I enjoy this picture of myself

I turned 18 today.
First thing I did was drive to Kroger &get some cigs.
Just for fun.

School. School. School.

Had Dani &Amber come over &we went out for dinner.
They're both pretty awesome, &I love them &stuff.

But, I can't help thinking that I don't know who my real friends are.
I feel untouchable. I can't believe anything you say.
I'm just like in an aching mood right now.
My heart hurts. But, you think with your mind, not your heart. So, why does my heart hurt?

Seeing other people happy. I want them to be happy, but it kills me that I can't be like them.

I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow.
I need a day to myself or something.
I feel like I'm about to go on a "I hate everything" tirade.

I want the Good Burger DVD I ordered last week to be delivered at Border's before I have to leave for Canada so I can pick it up &watch it ASAP.

My friends being in relationships upsets me.
I envy my 'friends' a lot.
They're so thin. That must be why they have boyfriends.
I'm too fat &ugly. I don't have a good personality.
I want to be thin.
I'm extremely obnoxious, my laugh is awful.

So many people wished me Happy Birthday today, especially on Facebook, &my family too,
but, that still makes me feel so unloved &empty inside. I don't know if that a sign that I should kill myself or something.
I'm so isolated, &I'm not even trying to be. I'm trying not to &it's not working.
This is awful. I don't know what to do. I have no plans or solutions.

Basically, I'm dirt.

I don't think anyone really loves me.